by the secret, a common mystery, I was in tune and detached with
As I sat alone
in this room surrounded on all sides by waves, I was safe like an
island in a churning sea, wrapped like an onion in its skin, in
the calm eye of the storm, thanks to the miles of insulated cable,
shielded enclosures and grounded circuits intricately patterned
and constructed around this ten foot cube. My furnishings were modest
with a bed, 2 chairs, a table and a lamp. Outside the safety zone
against the wall was the TV. The waves reached it but only the light
I often dreamt
of other sanctuaries both while awake and asleep. I ventured out
in the waves every day, searching for other islands of calm, other
quiet fortresses, other secret gardens, other guarded nests without
pulse, wave, echo, frequency shift, static, reverberation, amplitude.
And though I didn't tire easily, I never arrived.
found bodies moving around me in private rhythms, parting like tall
grasses. It exhausted me. Exhausted and invigorated me. Depleted
me and charged me up. My head was spinning as I fell into a waking
The days and
weeks and months and weeks and days went along like this, following
each other heel to toe, heel to toe. And as I walked the footsteps
kept time with the throbbing of my brain. I was aware of the different
reverberations and reflections, the absorption patterns under the
steel bridges, the electromagnetic winds and I negotiated its currents
and eddies, dodging the careless debris.
But I was
getting restless, itchy. I was stopping, then sitting, then standing,
then sitting again. I reflected on the state of the waves and how
they filled all the empty spaces, reacting to the reflection of
the impossible criss-crossing of the transmission. Reeling before
the emanations as they reflected off the nearby buildings, I went
home. Once there I tried to find a comfortable position in bed or
my leg, my hand. The house creaked as if someone was walking above.
"The temperature change." I thought I felt a bug on my arm. No,
it was a hair coming uncrossed. My ear twitched. Something was crawling
on my neck. Was it some thing or just heat expansion or uncrossed
hairs? I wanted to take a bath. Maybe it was ticks, lice, chiggers.
I took a deep breath to calm myself. My elbow was rough and scaly.
More hairs moved on my head or maybe a bug. I got up quickly and
looked at my chair, something bit me.
Now I had to
get out. I walked. What else could I do but walk? Walk or not walk,
look or not look. I had to follow the clues. I searched for the
concealed zone, looking for the guard at the gate. I approached
one candidate, his eyes were fixed on a barren patch. Fixing his
stare on what needed fixing. But really it was his glasses that
were broken. They were perched on his nose and waiting. But his
fixed stare said too much and I looked away, agitated.
away, distracted, I looked now left now right. Avoiding this then
that. How strange to be avoiding something, nothing really. There
were buildings, signs, bodies, clumps of grass, clusters of people.
There were rainbows, shadows, eyes, portents, a howling dog. My
eyes followed my ears to the dog. I looked at it. Howling without
howling. Howling inside, I guessed. But I heard it or I heard something
that seemed like howling. Perhaps the wind blowing. A howling wind.
It centered on the dog. It was the epicenter of the emanations and
transmissions. This idea took over, colonized me. The dog howled
without howling yet was the center of it all. And with other emanations
all around and transmissions of every kind my head was swimming
in a whirlpool of waves and emanations criss-crossing one another
and focusing in a dog's eyes.
I'd had enough,
I wanted more. It all fit, everything came unglued. It held together
as it was torn apart. They were right, it's all connected or its
not. And so,,, And so...
And so, I walked
on calm and empty under the radio sky.
Daniel Voznick ©2002